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Fierce Competition: Women Keeping Women Down


It used to bother me when I heard someone talk about women in the workplace and how catty they can be. With my forward thinking, I was so quick to come to the defense of them saying, ‘well, we’ve been oppressed by men all this time, women have NO problems working together!’ Well, I have been proven wrong more than one time. A lot of friends and family have given me example after example of their experiences, all which stem from a female negative force.

Don’t get me wrong, I certainly don’t expect all the female colleagues to come together and sing ‘Kumbaya’ together in the office, but I’m still stunned at how some still seem to be harmful to each other, rather than helpful. My main concern is to not try to get the answer of how they are to each other, but rather, WHY they are like that. Obviously not all women are like this and there are plenty of male counterparts guilty of the same behavior, but why do so many women seem to try to tear each other down instead of lift each other up? Sophia Nelson is the author of the book The Woman Code and she offers a bit of insight into this mystery. Summing up her thoughts, she states that from the time we’re little girls, we are taught to compete. The need to be prettier, taller, smarter, faster to having curlier hair, blonder hair, tanner or lighter skin plagues us from childhood. All types of sources for this thinking can be the culprits. From family members to friends to hearing/observing in the world or on the radio/tv, we are constantly bombarded with conclusions to all of these issues. And most of those conclusions are pathologic. It’s like women always need to be ‘better than’ because we’re taught to come from a place of lacking as simply being female.

In some ways, Nelson feels that women need to start operating like the boys in the workplace. Most men operate from a sense of, there’s an entire pie and they want their piece of it, not caring if anyone else gets theirs, he’s just focused on his piece. Maybe they even have to work together, but he’ll still get his piece. Most women have a different way of thinking because they come from a different place mentally and emotionally than that. Not to mention that men have always had more pie pieces to be offered for decades.

Some women simply see other women, whether they be their boss or their equal, as a threat that could take their job. It’s what I like to call the Highlander principle, for those of you familiar with the movie The Highlander, “There can be only one”…some women think that about their jobs so they start acting as if it’s them against everyone else.

What some fail to realize is that the world, the workplace world, can accommodate more of us in one position or in one office. This means that we can lift each other as we climb and help our younger counterparts and cohorts while still moving up and on in our careers…imagine that!!! Nelson has a few tips on how to achieve working WITH each other instead of AGAINST.

  1. No ‘Woman Code’ Here!.....If you ever hear another woman say “I don’t do women friends”, believe her and steer clear of her. There are too many women that do believe in the sisterhood, so don’t invest a second of your time with people who don’t.

2. Collaborate and share with one another!….and we’re not talking about office rumors either! If you are in a meeting and you have a great idea, don’t feel like you have to keep it to yourself. Collaborate and don’t compete and you will not only be helping yourself, but also your fellow team ladies to all move toward the same goals. Sure, a little competition is healthy but not to the point of it being harmful and pathological.

3. Being a mentor, build a positive rapport!…Women are less likely to do this outside of the workplace because we are usually juggling home life with work life, but if we can allow ourselves every now and again to play outside of the office and do positive things together (and we’re not talking about going to happy hour and gossiping about other coworkers), and you lead by example, you will be a happier person as will your coworkers and hopefully that, in turn, will foster a happier work environment.

The following is a list of saboteurs that I compiled using some personal experiences of people I have asked to share their experiences:

Sabotage #1: The antagonist: An example of this includes having knowledge of someone’s personal phone number for texting and/or calling, knowledge that the other person isn’t physically there in the office, but emails her work email anyway with questions of importance (and also CC’s the boss and other coworkers), Asking basic questions that, if she were to have done a little digging and used common sense, she would’ve found out the answers for herself….Also can be known as The Bitch…..

Sabotage #2: The passive aggressive martyr: including everyone in the correspondence that has nothing to do with anyone else OR includes a peer, NOT a lead, in a corrective action meeting. Also known as the F-ing Bitch….

Sabotage #3: Just Plain Negative: only giving negative reviews or feedback…this can go along with a person/personality that you just can’t please, no matter how hard you try. They may not be completely out to get you, or looking to fire you, but they just won’t ever really like you. For a slightly more extreme version, see Sabotage #5 below.

Sabotage #4: Deceptive Appearances: They are sly foxes, they may appear to work the hardest, longest hours…but it’s a facade….they set themselves up to be the last one there and first one to leave for the day but make it look like they are in the office first and the last to leave for the day. They are good at creating distractions to take away from what they are really doing on any given day. Sadly, sometimes their behavior goes completely unnoticed by the upper management and may in fact keep getting praise for all their ‘hard work’ and ‘contributions’ to the company. This is the type to most likely to create building resentment collaboration among other colleges.

Sabotage #5: The Nonsensical: An example of such would be like writing one up for not communicating enough, then complaining to management when you communicate and send everything via email ( AKA in writing). Another example could be one day your boss takes a stance on one topic, the next, takes the opposite stance. This type cannot entirely be explained. It could stem from a personal dislike of someone to someone in a position of power also being a sociopath. This can happen from time to time. You cannot win. Rarely has it had happy endings, so if at all possible, if you find yourself in this position, it may bode better to find yourself another job, because if you are the target, you will be miserable day in and day out. Because let’s be honest, from the people I’ve interviewed who have experienced this unfortunate type, Human Resources is rarely of any help.

Madeline Albright once said “there is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women”, it may seem that hell could be getting a bit crowded. Hopefully those numbers will start to dwindle once some women start believing that if we all work better as a team, then we will all win in the end.


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